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"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."

-- J. Paul Getty

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something."

-- Plato

"Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears."

-- Robert W. Sarnoff

"People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use."

-- Soren Kierkegaard

"Your theory is crazy, but it's not crazy enough to be true."

-- Niels Bohr

"I believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything else in the world is fixed."

-- Frank Deford

"We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true."

-- Robert Wilensky

"Trying to determine what is going on in the world by reading newspapers is like trying to tell the time by watching the second hand of a clock."

-- Ben Hecht

"The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid."

-- Art Spander

"Never judge a book by its movie."

-- J. W. Eagan

"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at."

-- Jimmy Demaret

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

-- Billy Crystal

"I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on."

-- Beryl Pfizer

"Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money."

-- Joey Bishop

"When everyone is against you, it means that you are absolutely wrong-- or absolutely right."

-- Albert Guinon

"Times have not become more violent. They have just become more televised."

-- Marilyn Manson

"God gave us alcohol as a social lubricant. Make men brave, make women loose."

-- (Jack Houriskey / Just Like Heaven)

"The main difference between a wise man and a fool is that the fool's mistakes never teach him anything."

-- (Duncan MacLeod / Highlander: The Series)

"Life is about change, about learning to accept who you are, good or bad."

-- (Duncan MacLeod / Highlander: The Series)

"Life is about change. Civilizations rise and fall."

-- (Methos / Highlander: The Series)

"There are people I know who won't hurt me. I call them corpses."

-- Randy K. Milholland

"Out of quantity comes quality."

-- Branch Rickey

"You've achieved success in your field when you don't know whether what you're doing is work or play."

-- Warren Beatty

"If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the same race, creed and color, we would find some other cause for prejudice by noon."

-- George Aiken

"The reason why so few good books are written is that so few people who can write know anything."

-- Walter Bagehot

"Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home."

--Bill Cosby

"I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens."

-- Dwight D. Eisenhower

"Skiing consists of wearing $3,000 worth of clothes and equipment and driving 200 miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and drink."

-- P. J. O'Rourke

"Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation."

-- Kin Hubbard

"Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and higher education positively fortifies it."

-- Stephen Vizinczey

"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature."

-- Dave Barry

"Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example."

-- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible."

-- George Burns

"Wisdom is what's left after we've run out of personal opinions."

-- Cullen Hightower

"The difference between a democracy and a dictatorship is that in a democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a dictatorship you don't have to waste your time voting."

-- Charles Bukowski

"Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles."

-- Pat Paulsen

"The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good."

-- Robert Graves

"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."

-- Ronald Reagan

"Education... has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading."

-- G. M. Trevelyan

"Where we have strong emotions, we're liable to fool ourselves."

-- Carl Sagan

"The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault."

-- Henry Kissinger

"I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead."

-- Samuel Goldwyn

"The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything."

-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"An economist is a surgeon with an excellent scalpel and a rough-edged lancet, who operates beautifully on the dead and tortures the living."

-- Nicholas Chamfort

"War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military."

-- Georges Clemenceau

"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."

-- Phyllis Diller

"You wake me up early in the morning to tell me I am right? Please wait until I am wrong."

-- Johann von Neumann

"There is a great deal of difference between an eager man who wants to read a book and the tired man who wants a book to read."

-- G. K. Chesterton

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true."

-- James Branch Cabell

"The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is inefficiency. An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty."

-- Eugene McCarthy

"One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say."

-- Will Durant

"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."

-- Alfred Hitchcock

"We are more ready to try the untried when what we do is inconsequential. Hence the fact that many inventions had their birth as toys."

-- Eric Hoffer

"Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others."

-- Edward Abbey

"An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered."

-- G. K. Chesterton

"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done."

-- Andy Rooney

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."

-- Dorothy Nevill

"The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents."

-- Nathaniel Borenstein

"People want economy and they will pay any price to get it."

-- Lee Iacocca

"An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today."

-- Laurence J. Peter

"The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity."

-- Harlan Ellison

"Architecture is the art of how to waste space."

-- Philip Johnson

"Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see."

-- Arthur Schopenhauer

"The price of freedom of religion, or of speech, or of the press, is that we must put up with a good deal of rubbish."

-- Robert Jackson

"It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'"

-- Sam Levenson

"In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known."

-- Thomas Pickering

"The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them."

-- Robert Frost

"Men have become the tools of their tools."

-- Henry David Thoreau

"The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky"

-- Solomon Short

"The best way to predict the future is to invent it."

-- Alan Kay

"Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair."

-- George Burns

"It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important."

-- Martin Luther King Jr.

"Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them."

-- Samuel Butler

"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."

-- Hubert H. Humphrey

"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science."

-- Gary Zukav

"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."

-- Benjamin Franklin

"I have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run."

-- Babe Ruth

"The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it."

-- Dudley Moore

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."

-- Lily Tomlin

"What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to."

-- Hansell B. Duckett

"Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway."

-- Elbert Hubbard

"An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought."

-- Simon Cameron

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

-- Sue Murphy

"Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen."

-- Ambrose Bierce

"Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once."

-- Evan Esar

"So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work."

-- Peter Drucker

"If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done."

-- Ludwig Wittgenstein

"What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do."

-- John Ruskin

"Television news is like a lightning flash. It makes a loud noise, lights up everything around it, leaves everything else in darkness and then is suddenly gone."

-- Hodding Carter

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them."

-- George Bernard Shaw

"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite."

-- John Kenneth Galbraith

"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose."

-- Darrin Weinberg

"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use."

-- Wendell Johnson

"I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life."

-- George Burns

"Traditions are group efforts to keep the unexpected from happening."

-- Barbara Tober

"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."

-- -- Albert Einstein

"Books have the same enemies as people: fire, humidity, animals, weather, and their own content."

-- Paul Valery

"I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image."

-- Stephen Hawking

"There are two ways to slide easily through life; to believe everything or to doubt everything. Both ways save us from thinking."

-- Alfred Korzybski

"The public will believe anything, so long as it is not founded on truth."

-- Edith Sitwell

"Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful."

-- Samuel Johnson

"Of course the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you--if you don't play, you can't win."

-- Robert Heinlein

"When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere."

-- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

"The point of quotations is that one can use another's words to be insulting."

-- Amanda Cross

"One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man."

-- Elbert Hubbard

"If you believe everything you read, better not read."

-- Japanese Proverb

"It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper."

-- Rod Serling

"I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves."

-- Bruce Grocott

"Most people have seen worse things in private than they pretend to be shocked at in public."

-- Edgar Watson Howe

"Eccentricity is not, as dull people would have us believe, a form of madness. It is often a kind of innocent pride, and the man of genius and the aristocrat are frequently regarded as eccentrics because genius and aristocrat are entirely unafraid of and uninfluenced by the opinions and vagaries of the crowd."

-- Edith Sitwell

"There is no doubt that the first requirement for a composer is to be dead."

-- Arthur Honegger

"Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day."

-- Unknown

"There are two types of people--those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am!' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"

-- Frederick L Collins

"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."

-- Voltaire

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."

-- Robert Frost

"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it."

-- Bernard Bailey

"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."

-- Fred Allen

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

-- Albert Einstein

"Never answer a critic, unless he's right."

- Bernard M. Baruch

"Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything."

- Frank Dane

"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch."

- Orson Welles

"A cult is a religion with no political power."

- Tom Wolfe

"If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be
that of an expert saying it can't be done."

- Peter Ustinov

"No matter what side of the argument you are on, you always find people
on your side that you wish were on the other."

- Jascha Heifetz

"The dead might as well try to speak to the living as the old to the young."

- Willa Cather

"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget;
the wise forgive but do not forget."

- Thomas Szasz

"The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him."

- Robert Benchley

"The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be
pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues."

- Elizabeth Taylor

"A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
wants to read."

- Mark Twain

"First secure an independent income, then practice virtue."

- Greek Proverb

"Perpetual devotion to what a man calls his business, is only to be
sustained by perpetual neglect of many other things."

- Robert Louis Stevenson

"Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out
of ten people couldn't start a conversation."

- Kin Hubbard

"A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do
nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done."

- Fred Allen

"There's always somebody who is paid too much, and taxed too little - and it's always somebody else."

-- Cullen Hightower

"We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by."

-- Will Rogers

"The best minds are not in government. If any were, business would hire them away."

-- Ronald Reagan

"Those who speak most of progress measure it by quantity and not by quality."

-- George Santayana

"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time."

-- Abraham Lincoln

"You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing."

-- Michael Pritchard

"Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all."

-- William Goldman

"Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment."

-- Barry LePatner

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

-- Thomas A. Edison

"It is a paradoxical but profoundly true and important principle of life that the most likely way to reach a goal is to be aiming not at that goal itself but at some more ambitious goal beyond it."

-- Arnold Toynbee

"With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion."

-- Steven Weinberg

"In case you're worried about what's going to become of the younger generation, it's going to grow up and start worrying about the younger generation."

-- Roger Allen

"If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; But if you really make them think, they'll hate you."

-- Don Marquis

"A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece."

-- Ludwig Erhard

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."

-- George Bernard Shaw

"Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."

-- Unknown

"Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs."

-- Christopher Hampton

"Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself."

-- A. H. Weiler

"If you cannot convince them, confuse them."

-- Harry S Truman